Anticipatory grief is the deep, painful sorrow that happens before an impending loss—the grief you start to feel long before your dog is gone. This type of grief is less understood and less talked about than the grief that follows death, and it can hit at any point during your dog’s journey with hemangiosarcoma. It can swing back and forth, from feelings of hopelessness one day to moments of normalcy the next.
This type of grief is also referred to as preparatory or protective grief, as it gives you time to process difficult emotions and emotionally ‘prepare’ for the moment of loss. It serves a functional purpose in the grieving process.
How to Spot Anticipatory Grief
It can be difficult to tell anticipatory grief from an episode of anxiety or depression since they can feel very similar. What sets anticipatory grief apart is that it often manifests more as irritability and anger.
The five recognized stages of grief can appear during anticipatory grief, although not all stages may manifest, and they may not occur in the typical order:
- Denial: Early on, it’s hard to face the reality of your dog’s cancer diagnosis. You might seek a second opinion, not because you doubt your vet, but because the diagnosis feels impossible to believe. Emotionally, you may feel numb, shocked, or afraid.
- Anger: During this stage, it is normal to lose control of your emotions. You may feel upset, anxious, and angry about your dog’s illness. Frustration can grow due to the uncertainty of the situation, and it’s common to have cynical thoughts or feel anger toward your veterinarian regarding the diagnosis or how you perceive they are handling the situation.
- Bargaining: This stage involves attempting to reason with situations that seem unreasonable. This is when you might find yourself thinking about all the “what-ifs”—wondering if there was something you could have done differently to prevent the disease. You might try to find meaning in what’s happening, even if it doesn’t make sense.
- Depression: This stage involves the heavy sadness of knowing what’s coming. You may feel drained, cry more than usual, and experience a sense of numbness.
- Acceptance: Acceptance may happen at some point, but it’s often not a clear-cut stage. It may come and go, especially before your dog’s passing. Even after the loss, you may find that acceptance ebbs and flows.
Can you prevent or reduce anticipatory grief?
There are two parts to confronting a loss. The first is recognizing the seriousness of what’s about to happen, and the second is figuring out if we have the resources to cope. When we feel the loss will overwhelm our resources, anticipatory grief intensifies, making us feel out of control.
Unfortunately, there’s no step-by-step guide for grief, and everyone will experience it in their own way, finding what helps them individually. The best approach is to allow yourself to feel those emotions, and the healthiest way to cope is by grieving in small doses when needed, while also seeking opportunities for respite. Creating a balance between confronting and restoring will help you move through the process. Be patient with yourself—it may take time, and your grief may come and go as time passes.
Focusing on What You Can Control
In the midst of anticipatory grief, it’s important to focus on the little things in your and your dog’s journey with hemangiosarcoma that you actually have control over. While you can’t change the diagnosis, you can find a sense of empowerment by taking small, positive actions. These little accomplishments, like managing your dog’s care or simply being there with them, can help restore a sense of control.
Taking care of yourself is just as important. Research shows that people who exercise, eat nutritious meals, get enough sleep, and maintain positive relationships tend to cope better with tough situations. Even if you’re not feeling up to it, sticking to small self-care habits can make a big difference in how you handle your emotions.
Build up your resources.
This might mean talking to someone you trust, connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences, or seeking professional help. Remember, you deserve support at any stage—there’s no need to wait until things feel even more overwhelming.
Preparing for the Aftermath
Thinking ahead about what life will look like after your dog’s passing can sometimes help you prepare emotionally for the reality of what’s to come. However, don’t get too consumed by it. You can try to mentally prepare but focus on cherishing the time you have right now. There’s no need to feel guilty about thinking ahead, but don’t let it overshadow the present moment.
Honoring Your Dog’s Memory
Creating small rituals to honor your pet can help provide a sense of peace. Whether it’s making a memory box, or simply spending quality time together doing something they enjoy, these actions can help shift the focus from what you’re about to lose to the love and connection you’ve shared. These rituals can also help with the healing process after your pet’s passing.
Final Thoughts
Loss and love are part of the human experience of owning a dog, and grief is a complicated process that doesn’t follow a clear start, middle, or end. Take your time to process your feelings and find peace in what you and your dog are going through. Focus on the extra time you have to appreciate every moment with them, celebrating the love you share.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/coping-with-anticipatory-grief-2248856
https://extension.umn.edu/stress-and-change/anticipatory-grief
https://www.dogcancer.com/articles/hospice-and-end-of-life/dog-cancer-grief-during-and-after/
Https://www.vetshow.com/blogs/caregiver-burden-when-loving-hurts
